Cumberland, MD- Dr. McNinja (first name unknown), Cumberland’s top physician, dentist, and ninja, was killed last week in a space shuttle explosion. His age is unknown. Details are few and NASA has not released any information on why the doctor was on the shuttle. However, it appears likely that McNinja was attempting, in his usual daring and destructive manner, to prevent the landing of the jetpack-equipped dinosaurs that are currently ravaging humanity.
Early reports asserted that Dr. McNinja was accompanied on the shuttle by former astronaut and Cumberland mayor Chuck Goodrich, who gained fame for preventing the spread of the city’s recent zombie outbreak. However, Goodrich has since been confirmed alive and well. He was a good friend of McNinja and was distraught to hear of his death, commenting in his characteristically apocalyptic way that the Dr. McNinja’s death could mean the end of the world.
Attempts to contact the McNinja family were unsuccessful and nearly fatal, but it is presumed that Dr. McNinja is survived by some number of family members and one possible clone. Many citizens of Cumberland and one gorilla have offered information to help present a sketch of the life of our late resident.
Dr. McNinja is the descendant of a long line of Irish ninjas. He had a degree in practically every discipline there is, with the exception of agriculture. His medical skills were unrivaled. He developed breakthrough remedies for both the rare and dangerous Paul Bunyan’s disease, in which the sufferer turns into a giant lumberjack when near abundant trees (many in the medical community still refuse to acknowledge this as a disease), and, ironically, for the ninja skill-enhancing drugs distributed by the former anti-ninja movie star and all-around bad guy Franz Rayner.
Some have mentioned that Dr. McNinja even possessed superhuman strength. While various ninja experts have scoffed at this, remarking that ninjas aren’t any stronger than the average weight-lifter, those who made the claim rebut that he is also a doctor.
Dr. McNinja was also, reportedly, a firm disciple of Batman (occasionally claiming to have met him, though this seems dubious).
It was rumored that Dr. McNinja had an ongoing feud with uber-cool Cumberland philanthropist and mafia boss King Radical. When he heard of McNinja’s death, sources quote King Radical as saying simply “radical.” He then proceeded to jump a dirt-bike over a pool of crocodiles.
McNinja has been a valued public servant and has helped Mayor Goodrich deal with crises on several occasions. He was instrumental in helping stop Rayner’s ninja drug ring, as well as the zombie ninja outbreak that followed. Of course, some criticized his overly destructive methods, but in his defense, he was a ninja!
In conclusion, as we face the imminent doom of super-intelligent dinosaurs from outer space, let us take a moment to reflect on the life of a man who died trying to stop them. Let us remember the lives he saved, rather than the lives he took while saving the other ones. Let us remember Dr. McNinja as a man who achieved ends, not as a man who justified means (even if he did).
In true ninja fashion, the time and location of any memorial service is unknown.
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That is that. Really, my favorite superhero is Batman, but that would have required a serious approach, and I just couldn't take this seriously. All of this is based on sources (see drmcninja.com), interestingly enough. The best part is, he supposedly did die just recently, so this is based on an actual (in the comic) event.
Sadly, all I have actually produced here is incredibly nerdy fanfiction.
